Addiction Recovery Step 1: Powerlessness

There is a reason that Step 1 is powerlessness. For a number of years I tried to beat addiction on my own. In the morning I would say to myself, "Last night was the last night." For the first 4-5 hours of the day I would remain "strong" against the addiction. By mid-day I would be back to the liquor store to buy alcohol again. The number of hours I "held firm" against alcohol continued to grow shorter and shorter over the years until there was hardly any time of the day when I was sober.

This false sense of power against addiction is what led to my destruction over the years. The idea that I had any power over alcohol was the catalyst for keeping me in addiction.

On October 2, 2020 I called off work. Allie went to work and the kids went to her parents. By 11:00am I was drunk. By the time Allie got home I could barely form a sentence. After years of being "in control" of my addiction I finally just remember telling Allie, "I need to get help."

For years I had told her i would get help or that I was getting help. That charade went on and I never REALLY got help. I would go to AA meetings and sometimes I'd go in. Sometimes I'd drink in the parking lot while Life 360 showed I was at a meeting. I did outpatient rehab. Sometimes I'd go. Sometimes I'd sit in the parking lot drinking.

On October 2 when I said I needed help - I really meant it. I finally realized that I had absolutely no power over alcohol. I called a pastor friend of mine who, in my opinion, God used to save my life and my marriage. I cried over the phone with him and he sent me a friends number who worked at a rehab facility. I called this complete stranger and could barely say words as I cried. Admitting powerlessness was one of the most defeating experiences of my life.

There is more to the story but, in short, the reason i bring up powerlessness is because I, like many others didn't udnerstand what Powerlessness meant. Powerlessness seemed weak. Powerlessness seemed like a cop out, as though I was avoiding responsibility. Step 1 in the alcoholics anonymous program reads:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable."

Alcoholism, like any addiction, is a symptom...not the problem. The problem, for me, was deep rooted in childhood issues. That conversation is for another time. BUT the primary problem, for me, is the way that I dealt with guilt. I continually turned guilt into shame.

Guilt is the fact that I have done something wrong and feeling remorse for it.

Shame is having a low self-worth as a result of my guilt (or even just as a result of my life in general).

I easily looked at the wrong I have done and equated it to low self-worth. This shame cycle kept me from the key component of human existence. Repentance.

Repentance, acknowledgement of guilt, breaks the shame cycle because repentance is restorative. Repentance restores relationships.

When we admit we are powerless over alcohol (or sugar or drugs or social media, etc.,) we are admitting our guilt. Our lives are unmanageable on our own.

And when we admit powerlessness, we inevitably, defer to a higher power in being our guide and hope. When we admit powerlessness we change from looking inward for the answer to our problems - to looking outward. We look beyond ourselves and finally start to actually see God.

For many years, in addiction, I loved to theologize about God but I never did anything with the information. In reality, I made myself my own God who was the arbiter of truth.

In admitting I was powerless and my life was unmanageable - I finally looked outward to the God of the universe. I finally started looking to others for help - in a sense of community. In short, I finally started living life as it is intended to be lived.

The whole of the Christian life can be summed up in one word. Repentance. Repentance is an acknowledgement of powerlessness and, without repentance, our lives become unmanageable.

I pray for all of us, addicts or not, to seek repentance today. To get out of our shame cycles and seek restoration in relationship...with God and with others.